Worst. Plane. Ever.

Howdy folks. Chris here, long time watcher, first time writer. Love the show.

I just had flight to Washington D.C. of epically terrible proportions, and what better way than to console one’s self than by spreading the misery for all to enjoy?

Where to start…

I knew it was going to be a long flight when I noticed the amount of leg room. There wasn’t any. Literally. The distance between my hip and the chair in front of me was actually shorter than the length of my leg from my hip to my knee. If the person in front of me were to lean his chair back (which, of course, he did) the already non-existent space lessened. In and of itself, this wasn’t the worst thing in the world since I was fortunate enough to have an aisle seat, and I could stretch my legs out in the aisle. Except of course for when the food cart came by, a steward(ess) walked by, or a passenger walked by; which was all the time.

The kid next to me was a little young, and had clearly not learned the “stay in your bubble” principle. He took up all the space he wanted, letting his knees and elbows flow free from out of the (albeit it rather small) bubble that Delta airlines had allotted him.

As the plane started to taxi on the runway I could tell that it wasn’t going to be a pleasant flight, but there was always the consolation that there would be an in-flight movie to help me vegetate, and I patiently waited for them to announce what it would be. This was after realizing we were on one of the older planes that didn’t have the nice personal TV screens where you get a nice selection of TV channels and movies to choose from. The time came for them to play to trailer for us to get us all excited so they could make mega bugs selling their crappy $2 head sets. The movie turned out to be: “Dragonball Evolution.” That’s right. Dragon. Freaking. Ball. Z. Out of protest I refused to give them my two dollars, and watched the movie (which I might add was played on a VHS tape) in silence. I looked up occasionally and watched various parts, made up poor dialog in my head, which I’m willing to bet was rather accurate based on my impromptu lip reading, and predicted accurately which characters were going to die.

Another consolation I thought I had was the fact that there was a sticker on the outside of the plane advertizing that it had wifi access. Great, I thought, I can just browse the Internet and let the time waste away. No such luck. My laptop indicated that there was a hotspot nearby, entitled, “Free Public WiFi” which I was able to connect to. No Internet access of any kind. My only conclusion is that it was there just to mock me. And then, after our in-flight movie, they had the audacity to play a commercial, advertizing your ability to connect to their in-flight wifi service. Just to add insult to injury.

And then there was the pilot. Or should I say, lack of one. There were no announcements of any kind from him, in that soothing, rugged pilot’s voice of any kind, telling us how the turbulence wasn’t going to kill us, giving us details about the weather that we don’t care about, calmingly reassuring us that the wings were, in fact, not on fire. Nada. Not one word. Apparently he was too important for us, and all announcements were performed by the stewardesses.

The only way I managed to escape with my sanity was by daydreaming about the wings catching on fire and an emergency landing in the Hudson river which would have cut the flight blissfully short; as well as my ability to repeatedly reenact a particular scene from Get Smart as I watched people enter and exit the nearby lavoratory.